Yes, it’s that time again. Time for me to sit down and have a nice, amiable chat with a video game. I often feel the need to talk with games that aren’t yet released, and never is that more true than with “Borderlands 2,” the recently-confirmed sequel to Gearbox’s hit RPG/shooter.
For those of you who don’t know, this segment is exactly what it sounds like: I talk to games. And they talk back, that’s the crazy part. I’m like The Game Whisperer. Hit the jump, fool.
(M: Me, G: Game)
G: Ta-daah! It’s me, “Borderlands 2!” The sequel to a game you’ve logged over 30 hours in!
M: …Really? I thought they were going to call you “Borderworlds.”
G: Uh, nope. Not really. But aren’t you excited?! A sequel to one of your favorite games!
M: Yeah, it’s great. You know, I really liked the name “Borderworlds.”
G: Well, I’m sure you’ll come to love “Borderland 2″ with time!
M: Eh, I dunno. I really, really liked “Borderw–
G: –Anyway, exciting news! I’m going to offer four all-new classes to pick from!
M: What? What happened to my beloved Berserker from the original?
G: Oh, he’s still here, you just can’t play as him anymore.
M: So you’re saying all that work I put into the first is just gone?
G: Well…I mean, that’s one way to look at it.
M: Hmph. Can I at least finally customize my character’s appearance to my liking?
G: Well…I mean, we don’t really do that. We’re more of a “Jade Empire” than a “KOTOR.”
M: No one likes “Jade Empire.” For precisely this reason. How hard would it have been to let me mold my own character? Do you know anyone who plays an RPG who prefers not to craft their own avatar?
G: (ahem) Moving right along, “Borderlands 2″ will feature significantly improved artificial intelligence!
M: …Who cares about the A.I.?
G: Lots of people complained the enemies in the original were idiots.
M: So what? They’re deranged criminals driven insane by the elements, that’s how they’d behave. I mean yeah, it’s stupid for a Psycho to charge into my shotgun, but that’s why he’s called a “Psycho.”
G: Well I–
M: –And are you telling me that Spiderants and Skags are going to grab cover and flank now?
G: But now the NPCs will travel around to different towns!
M: Making it that much harder for me to find them when I need something? Who clamored for that?
M: Have you done anything here that I actually wanted, “Borderlands 2″?
G: …I got…I got customizable weapons…and drastically improved driving with cars that seat four people…?
M: Okay. Now we’re talking.
help is on the way